


All The Things Bowie Wasn't

by whisperedthing



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Smoking, Past Abuse, References to Depression, Verbal Abuse, implied/referenced drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 13:15:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20136049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whisperedthing/pseuds/whisperedthing
Summary: Bex is good at keeping secrets; especially from Bowie.After all, she hid a baby from him for thirteen years. How hard could it be to never bring up her past after him up?She loves him, of course - but she just always feels like she has to be strong so how could she let him know what happened? And if she did; would he think differently of her too?





	All The Things Bowie Wasn't

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains DESCRIPTIONS of past verbal and emotional abuse, with an off-hand mention of physical abuse. Please DO NOT read if you are triggered by this. There is some ~language~ but nothing extreme nor constant. I wanted to expand on Bex and Bowie - because although I know this is a kid's show, I found myself falling in love with the adult characters and I couldn't help but think...if this was a teen or adult show, we could know so much more about them.
> 
> ALSO. I imply they have adult friends bc why the heck are their only friends four middle schoolers lol.

She had burned the picture, but she couldn’t burn the memories.

She _ used _to numb them with cigarettes, with joints, and alcohol that burned her throat when going down. It worked - until it didn’t. The memories would always come rushing back and so she’d run. She’d jump in her car and drive through towns and cities until she was exhausted. She’d jump on planes and travel to different states. She’d run away because that’s what she always did...but now, she had no options. She had quit everything cold turkey when she decided to stay in Shadyside. God - she hated having no options. Hated standing still - it made her feel like she was sinking. She needed to move...but...

She had a family.

She had a daughter.

She had a..._ husband _.  
  
Shivers ran down her spine. Ugly words that had been sewn into her brain came back to taunt her. 

_ ‘Nobody really likes you. You’re only good for a party.’_  
_‘You have no one to go to. Your parents think you’re useless and you abandoned your own daughter. What kind of person does that? What kind of mother?’  
_ _‘No one would ever want to marry a whore like you.’_

Bex buried her head in her hands at the kitchen table and took a deep breath. Images flashed in her mind. He was handsome, she was vulnerable. Bowie had left her to pursue a rather hopeless dream, her mother treated her as if she was a mistake and yet that’s the woman her one year old daughter preferred. She felt so alone. She felt like she was drowning. Her best friend from Grant had gone to Nevada for school but dropped out instead - so Bex, a volatile ball of emotion, packed her bags and left with little more than a goodbye to join her. She had always planned on coming back…

After a week, after a month, after a year…

But she just got lost.

Road trips, flings, parties - everything she was told she’d have to miss out on. She soaked it up and tried to drown out the responsibility that was waiting for her. She always told herself: that’s a problem for future Bex. She’d go home for a few weeks - she’d try to be involved in Andi’s life, she’d get in a fight with her mother, insecurity would rise up in her chest like bile, and she’d leave after telling her father that she was sorry while sobbing. He’d usually slip her some money and she’d slink out of their lives again for months.

* * *

_ She met _ ** _him _ ** at a bar in Sacramento when she was 21. He was 26, tall, built and the bartender. He reminded her of Bowie and she missed him...or maybe just the idea of him - so she sat and ordered a drink. “One martini. Stirred, please.”   
The man looked over and gave a half-smile. “I always thought they were supposed to be shaken.”  
_“Well...James Bond was wrong,” she challenged, a lilt in her voice.  
__“Oh...and who are you to say that?”  
__“Mack - “ she paused, smoldering. “Bex Mack.”  
__His brown eyes seemed to twinkle, a chuckle escaping his mouth. “Gabriel. Coming right up, beautiful.” _  


* * *

  
A door closed and a hand touched her back. She gasped - it was like all the air had been sucked out of the room. “Didn’t mean to scare you,” Bowie sleepily laughed but when Bex didn’t return even a smile, he sat next to her and tried to catch her eye. “Are you okay?”  
She focused on his wedding ring and the smell of his musky cologne - the one she’d begun to associate with **home**. “Um,” she said, her voice little more than a rasp. “Yeah, yeah - I’m good. Just waking up.” she faked a smile...she knew it wasn’t convincing, she’d been so out of practice.  
“I’m just not used to you being up so early. I feel like I have to drag you out of bed on your days off.”   
“I wanted to surprise you with breakfast,” she said. “but I forgot to make the breakfast.”  
“I suppose it’s the thought that counts,” he leaned in to kiss her head but when she slunk away, he stopped. “Did I do something wrong? I know sometimes I yell at people in my sleep - I’m sorry if I - “  
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Bowie.” she sighed. “I’m just...tired still.”  
He nodded, narrowing his eyes in his disbelief. “Okay. Just...let me know if I can help...with your tiredness…?”  
“Was that a come on?”  
“It wasn’t supposed to be...I’m just worried about you.”  
“You don’t have to be. Promise. I’m just...gonna go back to sleep for a bit, okay?”  
“Yeah, of course. I have my morning yoga class in an hour. I think the group is going to eat afterwards. There's a new vegan restaurant we've been itching to try. Andi has school so I'll leave her some money for lunch today and a note telling her not to bug you...and um, I'll pick you up a pizza before I get home?"  
She nodded. "Yeah - that sounds great."

Bex made her way to the bedroom and curled up under the covers. Tears sprang to her eyes. She had never told Bowie about Gabriel - or any of the other douches she had dated as a matter of fact. She didn't know why, Bowie was a great listener, he was always able to calm her down and help her move on. She was just..._ always _afraid. She always wanted to be seen as strong. Besides, if she told him all the things Gabriel had said, all the things he had done to her - what if her husband realized how awful she was?

* * *

_  
“Hey Gabe,” she exited their bedroom into the living room of their crappy apartment with a spring in her step. “Jennifer invited us to her 24th birthday. It’s March 27th at that new hibachi place!”  
__“Ugh - I hate hibachi,” he groaned, his eyes focused on the television in front of him. “Besides it’s already the 16th, why are you just telling me now? You know I have work... _ ** _someone_ ** _ has to pay the bills around here.”  
__“Well, it was kind of an almost last minute thing. Jenni’s like...really indecisive…” she sighed, a slight frown on her face. It’d been awhile since she’d gone out and partied. She’d been pulling extra hours at the diner, saving up to buy Andi a ‘Furreal Friends Horse’ ridealong for her birthday - but she was itching to get out of the house and have fun with friends. “well, I can always go alone and tell them you couldn’t take off of work…”  
__He turned to face her. “Is Zach going to be there?”  
__“Uh -” she shrugged. “I mean, probably? Especially if David and Marissa are going, they’re like...always together.”  
__“So is that a yes?”   
__“It’s...likely that he’ll be there, yeah…”   
“You’re not going then.”  
__“You mean that I’m not going alone, right? Because you’ll find someone to cover your shift?” she said hopefully.  
__“I just told you that someone has to pay the bills. You don’t make enough as a crappy waitress in a crappy diner -”   
__“Well, why can’t I just go then? Who cares about Zach?”  
__“I care about Zach! He flirts with you constantly and I just don’t trust - “   
__“Who?!” She demanded. “Him...or me?”_

_ For a moment, all Bex could see was blind rage in his eyes - a monster that she had somehow gotten herself wrapped up in. But maybe her eyes were just playing tricks on her, maybe she was just being stupid. Gabriel was great at impressions...and his best impression was that of a normal person. “Baby, you know it’s him I don’t trust. I don’t want you to get hurt, I think he’s really creepy. I’m sorry you doubted me...if Zach doesn’t go, you know I wouldn’t care if you went! I’m just trying to protect you.” _

_ “Oh...okay, yeah -” she nodded as if that made sense. Zach, Jennifer, Marissa, David, and Bex had all been close before she met Gabriel and ~settled down~ - they used to go to parties and concerts and share hotel rooms. Hell, they’d passed out drunk on the same beds before. Bex had never felt unsafe around him...but maybe Gabriel saw something in him that she didn’t. Maybe it was just for the best. “I’ll let Jennifer know that no one will take my shift at the diner or whatever…”  
_ _“I’m sorry, babe. Come here -” he opened his arms for a hug and Bex sunk into them, feeling his strong arms around her. “Don’t worry. We’ll do something better than Jennifer’s party at that stupid hibachi place...we’ll go somewhere ten times better.”_

_ ‘But I like hibachi…’ she thought._

* * *

When Bowie came back home at 2, Bex was still in bed. When they were teenagers, this was pretty typical. Her mom was always complaining about how lazy she was. In fact, the only reason Celia sort of didn’t hate Bowie was because ‘at least he got her out of bed.’ (well, she was kind of wrong about that one but…) Bex used to tell him how impossible it felt to get out of bed - like it was some arduous task. She told him it was like she just didn’t care about anything - she could lay in bed for 12 hours, completely miserable but also completely empty. 

Depression was something no one really talked about in 2002 - especially not if you still had two happily married parents, a good childhood, and lived in Shadyside. He walked into their bedroom quietly and sat in bed, still holding the pizza box.

“Bex -” he sang out. “I’ve got something better than breakfast in bed…”   
“Hmm?” she asked, as if she was just waking up. Truthfully, she’d been awake for hours just laying in bed thinking and scrolling on her phone aimlessly.   
“Pizza in bed!” He smiled, throwing open the box. Bex turned towards him and sat up. “I got our favorite. Hawaiin.”  
“I love you,” she said effortlessly, reaching over to grab a slice.   
“I love you too.” he took a deep breath and Bex knew what was coming. A talk. “That’s why I just wanted to...check in with you about how you’re feeling. Like...how’s your depression been? Are your meds still working?”  
“_ Bowie _ -” she groaned. “I can’t believe you bought me pizza to make me talk about my feelings.”  
“Hey...I would never _ make _you do anything. I just care about you so much...I just want to know how I can help.” He reached over to stroke his fingers through her hair. “And I’d never use pizza to bargain. I just bought it because I know you like it.”

At his words, she felt tears begin to fall down her cheeks. Hiccuping for breath, she tried to wipe them away quickly, dropping her half-eaten slice back into the box. Though she tried to hide, she knew she could never hide from Bowie. 

“Hey - hey,” he said. He immediately wanted to wrap his arms around her, but he remembered her reactions earlier - the way she jumped, the way she tried to avoid all contact with him. “Is it okay if I hold you, Becca?” The old, familiar nickname tumbled out of his mouth.  
She fell into him, her face against his chest, and it felt like home. “I’m sorry, Stevie…” and for a moment, they were teenagers again and he was her prince who rescued her from her tower and the evil queen, Celia. In reality, he was just doing what he always did. Rescuing her from herself.  
“Sorry? Sorry for what?”  
“I...I don’t know,” she sobbed. “Bowie, I’m so broken and stupid…”  
“Hey, hey - no, no you’re not. Where’s that coming from?”  
“Him…”  
  
And for a moment, she saw nothing but blind rage in Bowie’s eyes. Not at her - never at her, but towards the man who had ever said that to her.

* * *

_She went out that night anyway - the night of Jennifer’s 24th birthday party. She went to the mall to pick up soft pretzels for Gabriel; they were his favorite and she thought it would help him realize she was sorry for doubting him. He had been especially cold the days since she told him she didn’t think he trusted her - he’d been harsher, throwing words around carelessly - then apologizing. An endless cycle where whatever Bex did - it was wrong. She ordered the wrong pizza, the meal she cooked didn’t have enough flavor, the second one she cooked had too much flavor, the movie she picked out was boring, she didn’t want to have sex when he did - it was frustating, but she knew that if she just got him these pretzels, everything would be better and he’d go back to being the amazing, sweet, and hilarious man she knew him to be…_  
  
_ Except, when she came back from the mall - he was already home...and he was seething. _  
  
_“What the hell, Bex?! I come home from work early to surprise you and you’re sneaking out?! Probably to go to Jennifer’s party and hook up with Zach, huh? I’m just not enough for you, am I?!”  
__“What - no? I -”   
__“I can just tell! You’re selfish - I should’ve known from the moment you told me you left your own daughter that you were no good - but no, I thought I saw a good person on the inside and I wanted to help -” _  
_“No, Gabriel! You’ve got it wrong!” Bex screamed.  
__“I have it wrong?! Which part? The part where you got knocked up when you were a teenager, barely graduated, the baby daddy left you, or the part where you abandoned your daughter - your own blood so that you could drink and party and have sex with any guy that you wanted?!”_

_ And Bex wanted to say ‘all of it!’ but she couldn’t tell what was the truth and what was the lie. She started sobbing - she felt like she could barely breathe. Gabriel no longer reminded her of Bowie and all she wanted to do was go home. She wanted to hug her mom and dad and hold them tight - tell them she’s sorry for everything she’s done and raise her daughter. But she’d been with Gabriel for three years, how could she leave? Gabriel left her crying in the middle of the room - he just turned the television up louder. Tomorrow, he’d try to convince Bex it never happened. And Bex would probably believe him. _

* * *

“I didn’t know how to leave. The door was never locked, he never tied me down, and he barely ever hit me, but I just...couldn’t leave. He was all I had. I was too scared to go back home because - because I thought the things he told me were true. And it’s not like my mom was my number one fan at that point - she didn't know, she would have taken me in, she would have felt awful - but all I could see was her insulting me, belittling me...I thought no one wanted me. I was too broken. Too useless. Made too many mistakes for anyone to love me.” she sighed. “It took me too long to realize that something was wrong because he’d constantly yell at me and then after a week, he’d act like nothing ever happened. He’d romance me all over again and I’d get more and more twisted up - he made me think I was crazy because...I swear I thought some of the fights were nightmares because he acted like he could never remember them…”

Bowie’s heart was practically in his throat. He felt guilty that he ever left her in the first place. Their love had been reckless and passionate and fiery - and they fought sometimes, but he could never imagine controlling her; telling her she couldn’t hang out with friends she’d had for years or insulting her. Bex had made questionable decisions in her life - Hell, she hid his own daughter from him for 13 years, but Bowie forgave her. He grieved those years he’d never have and moved on. He chose to see the best in her because...well, the Universe, yeah - but also because he believed in her. He believed she learned from her mistakes and he took the time to understand her actions. It took a lot of meditation and a lot of soul-searching, but he’d do anything to have Bex in his life.

“I’m sorry I...I ever left, Bex.” He whispered.  
“It isn’t your fault...you could have never known. You were just following your heart. I’m sorry I never told you...Andi and I had a closure ceremony and I thought it would be enough...and it just...wasn’t.”  
“Did you really believe a closure ceremony with a 13 year old would just...undue years of trauma?”  
“I...I never really thought of it as trauma or...abuse...I just...we were both stupid.”  
“No, Bex. He was awful - you didn’t do anything wrong.” She looked at him - those were the words she’d been needing to hear all her life. And like he could read her mind, he said them again. ** _“You didn’t do anything wrong.”_ **

Looking back now, she couldn't see how Gabriel ever reminded her of Bowie. Gabriel was impatient, possessive, toxic, crude, selfish, a douche...

and all the things that Bowie wasn’t.


End file.
